Drowning and Exhaustedly "okay"

May 19, 2015

7:34PM

I can feel myself getting anxious the closer it is for me to go to Ohio.

I keep thinking about how odd it will be going to Ohio and not see you, play games with you, or spending times with you. It is going to be so odd going back to the house knowing this is going to be one of the last times at 1536 Courter St.

Now that you are on vacation, I don't have much of a reason to go back to Ohio.

Jazmyne Danielle visits daddy's grave.

The only things I want to do is visit you. I just want to sit with you and talk.

It's borderline exhausting trying to always be okay.

I don't like expressing my emotions to people because I don't trust them. Writing is my only outlet. It's the only way I can talk to someone I trust.

It's almost been two months and it is just as hard as it was when I found out.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to leave everything behind to be with you, but I know you wouldn't want me to do that.

You would want me to continue teaching and enjoying life.

It feels like I am in a deep dark pit and the walls are quickly closing in on me.

If I were to leave, my brothers are the only people I have to worry about leaving behind. I know it would tear them up. I am like a mom to them.

My mom doesn't love me, so I am not too worried about her caring about my vacation.

I remember when Nana passed away and I was crying. You reminded me to think of all the good times I had with with.

Jazmyne Danielle and daddy trying on and modeling hats.

But when I think of the good times we had, I just want to cry even more. It reminds me that I will never get to have those times again.

Remember that time I took you to see the Katy Perry movie? I thought I was surprising you, but you knew better.

You didn't quite care for the movie, but you watched it for me.

Or that time we went to Locomedia for my birthday? That place was so cool! Watching them put on a Sleeping Beauty play while we were eating.

You surprised me! I would have never guessed that place. Especially since I had never heard of it.

There are many days I feel like it was not fair that I had to lose MY dad at such a young age. Some people still have their dads and treat them horribly.

Daddy's little girl.

Yes... this is me being selfish! You were mine! It wasn't your time to go on vacation.

You were ready, but no one else was ready for you to go.

Yet, somehow you think I am strong enough. I gotta believe you.

I promise I am going to make it through and I promise I am going to make you proud.

Love you too!