Be Proud, Stay Positive!

May 31, 2015

11:39PM

Titan exploring Yellowstone National Park from the backseat of the Mazda 6.

I bought myself a new car yesterday. I got a black Mazda 6.

I know you would be proud of me!

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to or tell that will also be proud of me like I know you would.

I keep asking myself, who have I not told? Who have a forgotten to share with?

You seem to be the only person I haven't been able to tell.

You would think I would be more excited in buying my first new car... but I don't

I feel an emptiness.

I want you here to tell me you are proud and that I am making the right decisions.

I am being selfish.

Sometimes, I don't even want to believe that any of this is real. I am just waiting to be woke up from this horrible nightmare.

I swear nothing has gone right since the year started.

I know I need to focus on the positive, but when the clouds are so thick, it becomes hard to see any type of sunlight.

It seems like it all happened at once. A lot to handle in 4 months.

• I found out you had cancer.

• Ken and I broke up.

• My mom and I constantly fight.

• You passed away.

• I lost my wallet.

Views from Ms. Stephens' classroom that once belonged to her third grade teacher.

Stay POSITIVE!

• I live to breathe another day.

• I have a job.

• I bought a car.

• I am making a difference.

Yes, there are all of these good things.

AND when I take a moment and realize I have to go through these moments without you, it kills me.

You should be here.

Holding my hand.

Advising me.

Coaching me.

Guiding me through hard times.

Celebrating the good moments.

I need to go back to church to feel close to you and keep a clear mind.

I promise I'll start going to church again and praying more.

Maybe with embracing and accepting what is, I will feel closer to you. I'll find a Christian or non-denominational church to go to.

I hope you're enjoying your vacation and all the sweets you and Nana are making.

Love you too!